Casanova- Novice's Desire!

When you have the desire to be something and when the desire engraves in your mind body and soul that you no longer be feeding on that thought but it feeds on you. You can be certain that whatever it is, you will get it.
Prabhanjan had this desire to be the man, any woman will go head over heels. Being Casanova, is a legacy he inherited from his father who abandoned him and his mother the day he was born. God knows, where did he go? But their life was turned upside down. His mother parented him alone. He must be grateful for such a God-like figure he found in his mother. She fed him well, fetched him good education with her earnings she could being a day labor, tailoring clothes and selling off a few hand made articles of home decor. She knew there is not much in the village of Shinkara, Kazakhstan.Yet she couldn't risk the chances of their survival away from their home. Miraz, as Prabhanjan was known then, was a very fine student. He maintained a good academic record until High school when his mother was killed in a struggle with robbers in broad daylight while coming home. This tragic incident took away all that he had to call his own.
It became difficult for him to continue with his studies. They hardly had anything to call it their savings. Whatever, wherever he worked, all that he could earn in a day it was just hand to mouth. When one day, he took a wrong turn and went into the dark streets. These ugly streets were occupied by the robbers, thieves and novices in this job like himself

Wanting More!

I've been looking out for love in every thing I had. I have found that the love I was searching for years have now been showered on me by many. The problem with this love is not that I hate it but I have been diverted from my aim, my commitment. I've a commitment of three and a half years but when my life was all narrowed down by the feelings of saturation and disgust, a new hope has cherished my heart. There was this beautiful woman I once wanted to be with as always, proposed me to be with her and I couldn't help it but to say yes.

Was it a good thing to do? I didn't like it in the beginning but now after having inspected all the pros and cons with my present relationship I've found that it would be the right thing to do. For now I don't have to limit myself into this relationship just because I have nobody else. I can move on well now.

But its still not the right thing to do. All I can do is stick to my commitment and say to myself, " All that glitters is not gold." Since I've lived three long years of my relationship with this woman. The level of understand the bonding we share now would be harder to develop in this new found love. Will it be worth to leave a complete "ME" and start from the complete scratch to reconstruct the New "ME"?



The answer in my mind is still not clear, clouded by the mist of fears and I'm blinded by the beauty of a woman I now want.

Sucre!

Sitting on porch and drinking my beer. With a
cigarette lit and and on occasional puffs clouding my face with
smoke thicker than sheer strength of my belief. With each passing
second, I grow vulnerable to the attacks of the outwardly and with the
negation of my strength by the strikes of reality.



Compounded
feelings of Trust, Love and Care and with each of the sister emotions
clashing inside, I feel there has been nothing good so far having loved
and lived for someone I thought was the only one. A trust is something
which is, in my opinion and for anyone sane, is a precious belonging.
One hands over oneself to someone on whom confidential of confident
secrets and values of the life earned by one can be shared. Even when I
speak of it as something precious, valuable, and implicit part of a
relationship, I feel this becomes a burden when you really start to feel
you are not ready for a relationship and that you want to get over it.
Love never happens out of will, you know it when you are in this
emotional twilight. Science proved it as mental sickness that blocks
your ability to judge, reason or rationalize. Its never too late to
stand up for a good cause. If you think you were in a bad romance,
there's no point in being tied to it because it will in the end ruin
your happiness and the trust latter bestowed on you. When you feel you
are not exactly in love but what you have for the person is a genuine
selfless care and that makes it harder for you to step out of
relationship. I would ask to remind yourself as how many times, your
so-called love stood up for you so selflessly. How many times have you
felt safe in your love's confidence. Did his/her words ever comfort you
of the trauma you are going through and will it be possible ever to feel
that safe if not your love but any random XYZ.



At
times when I weigh my importance in the latter's life, I get a perfect
impression that despite calling for a neutral, sensible and practical
stand for each other, there is still some space for irrational love and
her need to fall tipsy in my love and to want no more than my company,
the togetherness.

These feelings are
quite complex, much more than it qualifies here. With the only fact
hiding is that these feelings don't surface unless you ping them out.
You have to ask yourself in order to listen to the venting pressure of
disappointing, bad romance. I would ask my readers that whenever you
seek help in love problems, regarding your insecurities or your
fidelity, make sure you have weighed your feelings in the light of
justice and self satisfaction because at some point in life you have to
be selfish and look out for your true acceptance in someone's life. You
might not realize justice now but when you accept the latter and
there is an equal response from them, one cannot define the level of
satisfaction it has then, a certain spiritual connection exists when you
go through that phase of accepting each other no matter what happens
and when it is a mere compromise in the name of acceptance, when it is
neither love nor a need but just an obsession to acquire someone you
desire. Life is lived well with a partner, adjusting with each other but
never with compromise.



Unlike
the title to this post, its quite depressing and one who gives prime
importance to a relationship in life might hate me for advocating for a
topic like this but the truth is, there exists nothing but true love. No
one can stick to fulfill one's satisfaction of libido all his life. At
some point, even the craving of acquiring name, fame, popularity ends
and when there is this saturation in life. One starts looking for Sucre!
A sweet called LOVE, this should be searched for only when you are
ready and not when you are lonely.



My
sole concern is for the girl I've truly loved and I always want to
find ways to keep her cheered up. A few days back I've come across some
pretty nice line on facebook news feed shared by some public pages and
the most beautiful line which according to my mind state then, qualified
as the best quote of the week for her which says, " Not every man is
different, all you need to do is find a man who is same as you want him
to be and not what the world sees him to be."

Maybe
she thinks I'm the perfect man, maybe she is right but the instability
in my head regarding a long term commitment for her and not giving my
life a chance without her is the worst thing I will do to us.



So
if the readers out there have their own experiences like mine. If you
have been through the trauma and dilemma like the one I'm going through
or if you have any thing to say about it. Please make sure you leave a
comment.

For I have my love stories!

A topic much more daring and dangerous to speak are those which deal with the darkness inside you.
I could choose no one to share my pain, no one to confide into but to write it down here after much of a thought.

Dear Lord,
The confession might seem illogical and one can relate this with greed. A greed of attention beyond one can handle. Acceptance- is not just a mere word to me now but where I am right now, I can fear the implications of what this word can actually do to us. It shook my world, which had nothing but contempt, down to its roots and because I was accepted as man to be with a woman who knew there is a line of demarcation. Some lines which should never be crossed. It was then when I had a taste of what they call "greed". A greed of attention. A masculine need always draws him near the desire to fulfill his lust and when this lust overcomes the check on his libido, he is like the vampire of which legends speak. My journey to this shameful path of betrayal and unfaithfulness started when I was lured by the beautiful feminine curves and her woos made me loose my mind over her. Inside, I knew it was not what is expected of me. I was so completely filled with that thought that I jinxed my chalice of the blessed eternal love. The love I cherished most, the feeling I loved most just for the desire of the venom being given to me in her cursed and malicious chalice. I kept on drinking and I went on committing sins. I tried to hold my drink but it already had infected my thoughts and my passion grew into the desire of physical intimation. A forbidden tale of the Adam and Eve, when Eve sinned and gave in to the worldly affairs. Adam followed and what started was the mankind. But what they call sin is far too saint if I rate my actions and my emotions. For my Holy Father, I have sinned not once but twice. I thought I was drained of all my love for my spirit had no emotions to show but when I knelt before thy lord I could ask of nothing but to lead my way. 

I think I had expected too much or was it not the lord who gave me a chance to start from the scratch. My dear lord I believe in you. I trust your ways. Please give me strength and be my guide. For I am a fool, I am a sinner but I am your son whom you can not condemn.

ROAMER - With a penance!

Prabhanjan meets Rushi at Bistro, Infinity mall. This place is crowded and they chose this place to hangout despite of the greater risk of being seen together. No wonder his addiction grew stronger and he didn't cross check the pros and cons of his new found love in this woman who seems to have the tacts to lure men and get things done. When the man she lured was none other than Prabhanjan who had his reputation and reaches to highest ranking officers and ministers, a man of principles who worked hard all his life just to overcome the fate of poverty he lived his childhood in, she couldn't just let him go. She stung him, broke him, moulded him and tamed him according to her taste. He spoke words which she wanted to hear, he did things she wanted him to do, he got corrupted in his mind poisoned by the lust of a woman he thought he loved besides his wife.

A man's conscience better knows the truth and develops a feeling that is called intuition which tells him that his actions are not going to earn applause but fetch critical shame to him at times. But psychology is still an area of extensive hard core research. It finds pleasant stimulation both in fame and abuse. Where in one part of the world we can see famous men with the urge to score in the favour and construct something better for the world and make it a good place to live in, there exist another part within or without the earlier fraction of the population which seeks pleasure in abuse, pain something which we can also call "masochism."

Prabhanjan was both of them. He got adulterated in his mind with unlikely attention and kinky abuses on his male ego which Rushi implied on him tactically without letting him go away. She had been playing games on him effortlessly ever since they both accidently got together. Never did he think, he would entrap himself in such a false game which they both know is a game. He loved his wife, his only love of life. The difference between his wife and this woman he had been dating secretly is that she can do anything for him but this woman can do anything with him.

They, Rushi and Prabhanjan, spent an hour together in that cafe sitting stealthily hand in hand together recalling the past days of Malagar, the fun they had all together. Their bond was based on the way they both understood each other as friends while they both knew that they cannot be happy as couples but they can share fair time together as friends telling each other at times how much they admire each other and had their weaknesses too. These few things were not easy for Prabhanjan to handle nor can he spit it out to any one because the only friend he used to have before he met Rushi was his wife. Now he cannot have anyone to share his feelings with, no one to discuss his problems with, no one.

Now he is just sitting in his rocking chair andandnbsp;smoking his cuban cigar and thinking what is he doing with his life? He had spent a small fraction of his lifetime and he cannot erase it. Not that he cheated his wife for this woman but his expression of love for Rushi, that he was auditioning another woman for his wife's role. He spent hours clenching in guilt reluctantly loving two different women. For once he thought that he is tredding the same path of his father.

Without much ado, his memories started surfacing and he went on a backflash.

Roamer- Addiction

The roamer was now out of his addiction of forbidden love. He had returned to his wife and lived a low profile all that while. For he knew the love he had earned from his wife had its value beyond anything. If he could've tried to live on his secret relationship, he would've never forgiven himself for the betrayal he would then have caused to his beloved.
But his mental addiction was like a dormant virus. He didn't think about it. But it went on a zing all by itself when the phone rang- 'iphone tune'
He startled for a moment but gathered himself up quickly and picked up the call,"hello!"
Rushi- hello (in a cheerful but kinky tone.)!!
R- how are you dear? And why didn't you call me all these days? You know how badly I missed you. (made a cute lowering intonation in the end.)
Prabhanjan- Yar! I never thought you were expecting a call from me.
Rushi- ya you are right I wasn't, it was rhetorical (laughs).
Prabhanjan- (startled) So? How come you've called me? Is everything alright?
Rushi- Hah! Why do ask? Can you fix things for me if the need be? You are good for nothing Mr. P
Prabhanjan- (ignoring the last sarcasm) I thought things were fine between you and your guy! I just asked because you were not in touch after you started dating the guy you met last fashion week.
Rushi- Oh! That guy? No, I'm not sure if I want to date him any more. I got my taste you see (in a kinky voice).
Prabhanjan- What is that supposed to mean? (thinking that she has been meaning to hint him as the taste she's looking for is he himself).
Rushi- You know! How it gets when you have the best and you just can't simply go back.
Prabhanjan was in the midst of a warzone in his head, a feeling of pride mixed with disgust and fear of losing everything he has in this gamble he has been sucked in and being played.
Prabhanjan- Where are you by the way?
Rushi- let's meet up! Can we? I've been meaning to ask you something and it has to be on face. Please! Come to our spot in half an hour!
Prabhanjan- But I can't come. I'm way too far away. Sorry!
Rushi- I know nothing, I want you to come asap! ( Her tone was grave this time)
Disconnects the phone!
A flash back in Prabhanjan's mind. He decided to go and see what is in store for him. After all the addiction did not die yet.
All he feared that his wife shouldn't know about his whereabouts of the few hours to come.

He excused himself out of the house to go to the club.

The Roamer's Journal 6:00 am

I wish you were the same like me so we can both share our togetherness and enjoy the (it s a hypothetical word) sameness (but it suits to the rhyme scheme ;-))
Rather than being deployed over the different states of mind and not being able to talk about or do about what we both like..
Sometime it is strange to even think, why are we together?
Why can't we just run our separate ways and be happy forever.
Do we lack the strength of running our lives alone?
I know you're strong enough to row your boat in a fiery sea storm but it seems that I'm not ready.
Not ready to learn the fact that I can be abandoned and deserted. Deep down in my brain I remember the way how I felt the first touch, your eyes gleaming and your restless breathing when we first kissed.
It is stupid to think of having separate ways but it is not the same like we had it before.
You tell me, " I can't live without you." The first thing that comes to mind is you are an incredibly good liar.
I firmly believe that you will live your life just fine with or without me, as if nothing has changed.
It is 6o' clock in the morning and I know it couldn't get worse than thinking of breaking up with you.
I'm dealing with an incredibly hurting situation that you will never get to know.

The Roamer coninued..

He wakes up the next morning and feels completely refreshed. Obliviously contemplating at his image in the mirror and recalls stills from his childhood. He had successfully erased the past from his childhood but now he finds history repeating himself. As he thought of his mother whom he always found crying in lonliness. He never understood why his father has to leave the family behind.

Now when he is through with all the hardships and have established himself as a well known entrepreneur, owns chain of restaurants in Goa, Mumbai and Chennai. He has never looked back since then and now when he feels restless in having accomplished all that he ever dreamt.

7:00 am

He finally comes out of the delusional stare he has been giving to himself and finalizes brushing his teeth, rinses mouth and comes back to his bedroom having changed into his track suit. He picks up the glass of orange juice and descends down the stairs of his penthouse and moves out for jogging.

He wakes up fresh and having completely forgotten all that had happened last night which made him sweat like a pig. It was normal for him to have kept his darkest secrets within him for so long but now his intellect was challenged, someone knew about the devil in him despite the fact that he practised his passion with discipline and precise stealth. He noticed the people around and realized that he got a few stares from the passing by. It was not new for him to receive stares for he knows he has been in limelight for many notorious reasons. He is a party animal and he never seemed to have entertained any annoying hosts or guests so always been in news for one reason or another. He is not a fashion icon but flamboyance fetched him quite a fan following in the teenage group. But this time the stares made him a bit uneasy, felt like he is been ripped naked. He couldn't stand the pressure no more so he thought of calling it off and headed straight back to his penthouse.



9:00 AM

Exits.

The Roamer

Anonymous- Hey!
Prabhanjan- Hey! :)
Anonymous- You can text me on my no. this one is not mine!
Anonymous- How r u btw?
rabhanjan- Umm Sorry! May I know your good name? I lost all contacts in phone book of my cellphone
Anonymous- But I know all about You! ;-)
Prabhanjan- You do???
Anonymous- Yes! I've known a lot more than you think ;-)
Prabhanjan- What? But first let me know who are you?
Anonymous- I have been keeping an eye on you and rushi.
Anonymous- Does her name ring a bell now? Mr. Prabhanjan!!
Prabhanjan- Who the hell are you? Better tell your name or mind your own business dude!
Anonymous- Ohhhh some1 is getting angry han..
Anonymous- tell me! does your wife know about this woman you are dating?
Prabhanjan- i'm not dating anyone..! don't mess with me Zubeen I know its you...Don't vent your frustration out here on me.. Move on!
Anonymous- Its neither Zubeen nor Utsav.
Anonymous- I also know about that night in malaga...
Prabhanjan- How do you know?
Anonymous- Does it really matter? I've my eyes on you...

[ Prabhanjan makes a call]
Prabhanjan- Hello!
Rushi- Hi.. So u do miss me (chuckles). I missed you too (in a tone of sadness) !
Prabhanjan- It's not the missing part I am calling you for. Someone tells me that he/she knows about us and also about that Malaga trip.
Rushi- What!!
Rushi- Who is he? Do you blabber it to your mates? I swear you are going to be in big trouble if you make a gossip of me...! (the voice gets firm but emotionally hurt)
Prabhanjan- I never speak of it to any one. I don't know who is he and what does he want?
Prabhanjan- I'll call you later.. Adios!
Rushi- Hmmm you better be true or you are a dead man..

[Prabhanjan disconnects the phone and realizes that he is sweating profusely and his hands are shaking. He knew what he had been doing was wrong but he cant delete his past. A moment of intimacy with Rushi now costs him his peace of mind.]

[Prabhanjan thinks of calling this anonymous one- presses the green button on his incoming message
and the phone gets connected.]
(Bell rings..)
[The call is disconnected on the other side... and then there is an incoming message from that very person.]

Anonymous- Don't worry! your secret is well kept within me.. We'll talk soon.

[Prabhanjan reads the time 1:00 am. He is late. Goes off to sleep]

To be continued....